I know this letter will be a really odd thing for you ever to read, and I know that, but I need to write this for myself. You turned 10 months old yesterday, and it’s come time for our nursing journey to end.
I never in a million years thought I’d feel this heartbroken about not feeding you this way ever again. To be perfectly honest my thought about nursing was always that it was free! Why not try it? I didn’t anticipate loving it this much, or being this torn about giving it up.
You see, you are one dentally advanced little kid- at 10 months we can count 8 teeth on you, and MAN do you know how to use them baby girl! You can take bites of things on your own and I’m so proud of you for that. Unfortunately one of the things you take bites of is, well, your mother. I’m sore, and bleeding, and have scars that weren’t there before. I can’t get you to stop biting, and it’s becoming a little hard to handle. None of that is your fault though! I was the one who kept trying to just grin and bear it, all the while knowing you aren’t really all that interested in it anymore anyway.
There are too many other things going on in the world, you see?! You’re distracted- and rightly so! You see and hear and smell everything these days, so much stronger than you’ve ever done. You’re too busy now to sit quietly with me and eat, and that’s just the way it should be. I’m ok with that now.
I’m writing this down so I won’t ever forget what it felt like the first time you latched, or the first time I heard you actually getting milk. Or when you’d stop midway through eating and look up at me, pull away and smile. The anticipation you’d get when you were hungry or the contented sigh you gave when you were finished. Those quiet middle-of-the-night feedings, just you and me. Or perhaps most importantly, the knowledge that whenever you left me that eventually you’d have to come back.
I’ve had a few good cries about it, and I promise I’m like a kid (you, soon!) on Christmas thinking about the new adventures and bonding we will have going forward. This is but the beginning of a million other journeys we will have together, my love. I can’t wait.