5 Things I Thought You Fools Were Lying About

Maybe at some point I’ll write more frequently, or about something other than motherhood.  No promises, people.  I have a LOT on my to-do list these days.

TO DO:

  • play with Norah
  • change Norah
  • put Norah down for a nap
  • feed Norah
  • Repeat
  • Write a blog post

During my middle-of-the-night Facebook scrollings I’ve noticed something: there are like 9,000 articles consisting of lists of parenting tips. How to Beat the 4-Month Sleep Regression, How to Get Your Child to Sleep, What is Sleep, How to Stop Your Infant From Crying, How to Stop Crying Yourself, How to Ensure Your Child Won’t Become a Murderer, things like that. Buzzfeed seems to have an entire department dedicated to such lists.

Sidenote: Buzzfeed seems like a sweet place to work, and since their execs are most likely reading MY list right now I’d like to give them a special shout-out- hey Buzzfeed, what’s up.

I’ll read these lists and make comments in my head, but I don’t much see the point in actually commenting on the lists themselves. I guess that’s the point of social media, but I don’t care much for social media.  Says the woman up at 2am scrolling through social media. Says the woman who uses social media as her window to the outside world.

I remember back when I was childless, back when I thought years and years of babysitting was the same thing as being a parent, I figured there were a lot of things that parents had to be lying about, or surely exaggerating.  I mean, sleepless nights? COME ON.  Fighting naps? GIVE ME A DAMN BREAK.  There are five main lies I will name:

THE LIST

  1. How Hard Labor Is– I met this young girl the other day who asked me if I had a natural labor, because she knew it was what was best, and how hard could it be?  What a sweet, beautiful little naive child.  I was that child.  I have a high pain threshold, what else would it take? A lot.  It takes a lot.  More power to those who make it through without help.  You’re lucky enough to be what this young woman called “what nature intended.”

 

  • How Difficult It Is To Hear Your Child Cry– Babies cry, amirite? GET OVER IT.  In actuality, it’s really really hard when, at just hours old, those sadists masquerading as RN’s insert that needle into your precious infant’s tiny, innocent heel and you have to wait for the pause before the shriek of horrible pain they won’t remember in the least.

 

  • How Much You’ll Sell Them to Others– Not everyone wants kids, that’s a fact- a completely reasonable fact, so why would I be like those obnoxious parents who slam their kids’ pictures in your face? Because the problem must be that they don’t understand how precious your child actually is.  They’re not avoiding parenthood because of the commitment, or the financial implications, or because they don’t need a reason not to want a child.  Nope- they simply can’t fathom how good that baby smell actually is.

 

  • How Unpredictable Your Kid Is– I mean, a routine and a schedule sets everything into motion, correct? Since children thrive on routine they know never to veer from said routine.  Ha. Suddenly you’re with your baby in the middle of Chick-fil-A, a baby that’s been fed, changed, napped and set up for 100% success, and that child starts shrieking for no good reason.  And there’s nothing you can do about it because you’ve already opened your Chick-fil-A sauce packet.

 

  • How Much You Love Them– I really misread this one.  All you hear parents say is how much they love their kids.  I mean I love loving people, but let’s be reasonable.  Yeah, that’s impossible with your child.  I completely underestimated what you fools were talking about- it smacked me right in my unassuming, arrogant ass. And it’s awesome.

One thought on “5 Things I Thought You Fools Were Lying About

  1. When I was at my daughter’s to help with my grandson after he was born, the grandson was just fussy. Dad took him and baby just started screaming. The look on Dad’s face when he looked at me and said, “We’ve crossed everything off the checklist – diaper changed, fed, slept – why can’t I calm him down?” Well, because sometimes you just can’t. I took the baby and he immediately stopped crying. 🙂 Babies are just unpredictable little creatures with no rhyme or reason to why the shriek when they shriek. But ALL children know when Grandam’s got ’em! 🙂

    Like

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